At the time of my diagnosis my career was at its peak in Cornwall. I was recognised as good at my job and further career opportunities looked good and most importantly I loved my job. I felt 100% confident in my abilities. So what has changed over the last 9 years?
My 1st long lay off after diagnosis was 4 months and I returned to a new challenge in Glasgow. Looking back I know now I made my 1st mistake here. But I was in denial of my chronic progressive heart condition. I didn't lie to my employers I just didn't tell them the truth because, at that point, even I didn't know the truth. Did they support me? I don't think so and what we had was 2 sides not trusting or understanding each other.
My return to work should have been slower & more structured. Not once did I meet occupational health because I returned saying am fully recovered. In retrospect I should have accepted maybe a drop in role & salary would have been the best option. Instead retaining my salary was everything to me. Nobody had that conversation with me & they basically believed me when I said I was fit to return.
It soon became clear that my personality had changed, my mind was muddled, I fought to hide it but only made it worse, the problem was not physical it was purely psychological, paranoia was at the centre of it, negativity had replaced positivity. Motivation was a daily problem, I wanted to work but would question was it worth the hassle. After facing possible death and recovering it's easy for your mindset to become 'is this really worth it? shouldn't I be doing something more with my life?'
When I talk to fellow heart patients now about them returning to work after being diagnosed I say what my GP said to me 'you have been through a life changing event at a relatively young age, it will change you' I only lasted 2 years before my heart failure reared its ugly head again. This time I took even longer off and as a result my career in a job I once loved was hanging by a thread.
My involvement with my employers during this time off and prior to my operation and then my return after I had my device fitted which uniquely made me 100% device dependant was again handled poorly by me. But this time I had no one to ask, I had no fellow heart patient to give me advice. I fought my employers. I hated them for the perceived injustice when what I should have done is admitted my own faults and tried to find the best job for me irrelevant of salary. After my return I did reach 2 years as a green performer but looking back I didn't enjoy it. I fought the fight admirably but stupidly. I struggled through not enjoying it and some members in my team did not see my previous pre diagnosis leadership skills that I had been praised for. Basically I survived by the skin of my teeth. Now I am the level below on a lower salary and I still struggle sometimes but I am a green performer and once again I enjoy my job.
So what has changed? The truth is it comes down to my Store manager, people manager and regional teams attitude towards me and my condition. I feel confident to openly talk about my condition and problems to them. I trust them! I've had to accept that I will never reach the peaks of my career again but I am an experienced manager with so much to give and for the 1st time since my diagnosis I can talk to my manager and people manager about appointments, fatigue and illness. I have, for the 1st time, explained how I struggle in meetings. They ask me if I need help and offer genuine support.
It has been such a steep learning curve on how to handle a chronic progressive heart condition and still work. So many mistakes on both sides but hopefully we can both use our experiences for future heart patients returning to work. After all more of us are living so it is happening more often.
At a course a few weeks ago in one room were 6 people out of 20 who have played a huge part in my work journey. 2 of them were very bad experiences but I realised that the majority were good ones. One I wanted to apologise to for basically receiving the worst my condition made me. The regional people manager mentioned to this group my End2End being inspiring and I thanked her after it for everything she had done during my End2End. This lady tracked and followed my progress on Facebook often offering support at crucial times. She spoke at the meeting that day about changing cultures and I believed her because I trust her. I wanted to hug and thank her because for the 1st time I believed my employer was willing to learn about how to support those with my health problems. She has spoke consistently at our store meetings in the last 2 years about leadership and its importance. And so I want to tell her she is leading the way and I have seen the change for good within our company. However the fear and paranoid thoughts of being extremely open about my heart condition are still there for me. Maybe because when I was diagnosed I was told I'd never be able to work again!
Within the next 2 years my device will be changed and I once again will need to return to work after long emotional life changing lay off but I will approach it differently and I believe my employer will too because of those I have mentioned above. I will approach my return more open minded. I will ask for more time and a structured return but not expect or demand it. I will be honest with myself on how I am feeling both physically and mentally. Then more importantly if not up to job I will ask what they can offer but not make selfish unreasonable demands. Hopefully we can reach a decision that suits us both because at this moment in time they have a highly motivated experienced employee who hasn't had day off sick in 2 years so both sides benefit from me being there.
Employers, in general, need to learn due to medical advances more employees will return to work with medical issues like mine but they will only learn if more like me speak up. It is scary to admit failings but I have seen positive changes so it does work. I have high hopes for heart patients and future work opportunies.
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