"You either let cardiomyopathy rule your life or you rule it" is a phrase I have heard many times but which one am I?
It is not easy to describe how my condition has changed my personality, like everything to do with my condition. People simply cannot see it. I am more emotional which is a good thing, I react to situations in stupid non rational ways, I get paranoid, I let things eat away at me. I want to care about things but the questions that swirls round my head is "did you live for this shit" "is it worth it" obviously not good.
After 8 years I have learned to hide it even more & I deal with it better internally, The low points don't happen more often now but I am getting tired of them, I am getting tired of having to balance my thinking out, I am tired of putting myself in situations that cause reactions. I am tired of doing things that no longer matter to me no matter how important they have been the last 8 years.
Life must have a point or what is point of living?
8 years ago I didn't think I would celebrate my 48th birthday I honestly didn't so I didn't plan this far ahead.
So here I am at about to celebrate my 48th birthday so what do I do now? I actually believe I may live for longer than I truly expected so how do I find the new point of living?
I will find it because I need to find it, I have too much good around me with Lorna, family & friends who again showed during my last adventure how lucky I am, in them I find it because they are at root of everything.
So surpringly I must declare cardiomyopathy does control my life because the irony is 8 years ago I didn't think I would see my 48th birthday but as I plan my longer future maybe I won't see my 49th. I can't control that.
But it will be another good year I can control & guarantee you that.
No comments:
Post a Comment